55 Funny Quotes
2. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. - Ron White
3. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
4. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey
5. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard
6. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
7. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
8. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin
9. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain
10. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin
11. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
12. As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett
13. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
14. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West
15. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
16. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. - Isaac Asimov
17. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg
18. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
19. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
20. If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. - Albert Einstein
21. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr
22. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
23. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright
24. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. - Jerry Seinfeld
25. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. - Bill Cosby
26. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin
27. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford
28. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield
29. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. - Casey Stengel
30. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. - Ronald Reagan
31. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W. C. Fields
32. I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. - Carl Sandburg
33. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead
34. All generalizations are false, including this one. - Mark Twain
35. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. - Natalie Wood
36. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen
37. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell
38. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. - P. J. O'Rourke
39. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. - Winston Churchill
40. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. - Richard Dawkins
41. A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. - Erma Bombeck
42. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. - Joey Adams
43. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' - Claude Pepper
44. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin
45. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West
46. You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle
47. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams
48. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx
49. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. - Yogi Berra
50. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers
51. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
52. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. - Mark Twain
53. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns
54. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx
55. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. - Red Skelton
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